If there is one constant in life, it's that there is always change

If this year has shown me one thing, it's that I can't stand still, no matter how hard I try to resist change, to resist discomfort, I can't. It has also shown me that it's best not to resist change, to go with the flow. Sometimes we feel so scared, we want to go back in time to when things felt more comfortable, more predictable. Everyone feels or has felt that way at some point in their lives, but let me tell you, no matter how scary the unknown is, it is also more exciting, full of opportunities. I am learning to embrace that. I am not quite there yet, but life is showing me that this is the best way to go.

I was still holding on to NY in a way. I hadn't cancelled my cell phone plan yet. I am not sure why I was still holding on to that. A sense of comfort maybe, something from the past... Yesterday I cancelled it because the cost of it was ridiculous and made no sense. I faltered when the person at the call center asked me if this was a permanent move, because, if not, they could suspend my plan for 6 mths. I nearly shouted out - no, it's temporary... I want to go back to my predictable life. I didn't though. I took a deep breath and said - It's permanent. I felt sad... for some reason, it was sad to have to let go completely. There is no turning back now.

So I closed that chapter in my life. It was quite timely because today, I started a new chapter. I bought a new apartment here in Brazil. Time to move forward and not look back.

Nightmare or Reality?

What to do when it seems that your nightmares are real? Wake up, remember it's all a dream and move on!

I had a nightmare last night, a nightmare I actually lived recently, so it's not surprising, just not great, to "relive" it in a dream... Break-up, feeling like it's too surreal to be true, then realising it is in fact true and coming to your senses that you are, once again, alone.

Having said that, the last show I saw in NYC was South Pacific, with this brilliant song:

Insomnia

I never thought I'd complain about this, let alone post about it because I have never had trouble sleeping. Seems that, for now, this will be part of my life. Hopefully not for long! I was awake every hour last night, it was horrible, never been through something like that before. I hope it is merely a side-effect of all the changes happening in my life and will be over soon. That is what I wish for. For everything to fall into place.

Sometimes it does seem this way...

You are depriving yourself...

It's one of my aunts 60th birthday party tonight. I had told her already that I wasn't going to be able to be make it as I have a course this weekend and I am just completely exhausted and not up to socializing with a bunch of "old people" whom I don't even know. Selfish of me? Maybe. I am not close to this aunt, even less so to my cousins (this is on my father's side). Now, my father keeps knocking on my door every 5 minutes telling me that when he was my age, he could spend 12hs at a course and still go to a party at night, so I should go, blah blah blah and that I am depriving myself of the opportunity to be with my grandmother and so on and so forth. The real gem was "If it were your mother's sister throwing one of her great, fancy parties, you'd be there." Funny how ppl THINK they know you and lable you...

If it were one of my aunts on my mother's side, I would probably be even less inclined to go. I just want to have my dinner, watch some TV and go to bed, ready for another day at my neurolinguistics course. Good thing tomorrow we learn how to deal with difficult people :)

I must have been a tyrant in a past life

I must have been a tyrant in a past life or something equally as bad, that is the only explanation for the parents I have, having to go through their tyranny day after day...

- "Clear out your boxes right now, there is no room for them here."

- "Don't put anything away, I want every space clear of anything and everything."

- "I want everything of yours cleared out of here by Monday."

All this said in a tone that would shock almost everyone, and almost anyone would think that I had left a mess behind on purpose and had been asked to clear it out a million times before. I don't need this in my life, I cannot wait to have everything of mine out of here so I don't have to listen to complaints. I am so ready (more than ready) to move on and away from all this.

Meanwhile, I stay in my room as much as possible.

Perfect Partnering

Whatever you receive,
wherever it comes from,
cherish the desire to give it back
in full measure

- Swami Chidvilasananda

Sometimes in the midst of a busy and crowded life, we are pierced by loneliness. We long to be understood, to feel a sense of deep and enduring companionship. If only, we think, had someone with whom I could share myself internally, on all levels. If only I had a true companion... At these times, we must look to the ways we are always perfectly partnered, carefully and deeply guarded and guided by the Universe itself. The Universe never abandons us. There is always a perfect partnering, a constant and continual reaching out to each of us.

~ Today I remind myself that despite my loneliness I am not alone. I turn my attention to the unique partnering that comes to me from many quarters. I accept the companionship of an interactive Universe. I am with friends.

From Transitions - Prayers and Declarations for a Changing Life, by Julia Cameron